Well, I am still standing on my feet. Still have all the same old problems that follow me through each day from morning till night and then into my sleep. But something has changed. I know my own perspective has... But so much more than this. I feel empowered from the Almighty! I have such a deep silent calm that has rested within me for this past month plus now. It isn't me. It came to me. I felt it come and feel it stay and reside. Makes me stand strong. Makes me learn the discipline of wisdom, quietness and above all... What unconditional love and surrender mean.
I am just as unimpressed as always about the nonsense that flies around me... But I do not reach out to grab a hold of it. I let it fly on its merry way. I have no tolerance to invite it to visit me.
I am learning the fine delicate art of loving me and allow myself to love into wholeness. It truly is possible to hate the * sin* but not the sinner. Fact is in learning so... I actually find myself loving them more! Go figure! The silent calm that has come to reside... Has been teaching me this and better yet... Enabling me to do so.
At just the right time.
I was so worn down I could take no more... And so I did the only logical thing. I stopped taking *it*! Best thing I ever did do! :)
Now after months of being propped up and falling over... I am helping others be propped and find their own footing and strength to stand strong ... And all and only because of the comfort I have been so very Divinely given to comfort the ache that threatened me to shatter!
I love being Lion~*EmpoweredToBeStrongPaw this is no fleeting moment... This has been deeply cultivated and is nurtured continually for lasting growth. I might need a good drink on some of the withering days... But I am keeping on!
My gratitude is to the One who formed me and continues to form me into a woman of grace and dignity.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Corn on the Cob... I did a good job?
So it is harvest time. Was there any corn on the cob??? Did I do a good enough job??? I say I did! I can till, fertilize, plant, hoe, water and hope... and I did all this...
Well I lost about 1/3, of what remained upright and green only 1/3 grew cobs and of the cobs only 1/3 had any kernels of worth on them!
SO ~ I did the very best I could! I watered and watched. I ate! And now the stalks will go through the chipper shredder to provide mulch for next season!
Is my life still like that corn patch? In many ways yes! I see only a fraction of harvest from what I cultivate. What seems fruitless I can turn into composted hope ... and in turn it may provide much nutrition for the next season of growth!!!! There are still only so many things I can do... the rest is up to the will of Creator. I plant, but He instills the nature of the seed.
A seemingly lost crop can provide the sustainance needed for next years growing. So I will rest and wait for what is to come.
Corn... it has taught me to have faith, hope... and to wait in a deepening patience!
Lion~*Cobs&SilkGiveHopeAJoltPaw
Well I lost about 1/3, of what remained upright and green only 1/3 grew cobs and of the cobs only 1/3 had any kernels of worth on them!
SO ~ I did the very best I could! I watered and watched. I ate! And now the stalks will go through the chipper shredder to provide mulch for next season!
Is my life still like that corn patch? In many ways yes! I see only a fraction of harvest from what I cultivate. What seems fruitless I can turn into composted hope ... and in turn it may provide much nutrition for the next season of growth!!!! There are still only so many things I can do... the rest is up to the will of Creator. I plant, but He instills the nature of the seed.
A seemingly lost crop can provide the sustainance needed for next years growing. So I will rest and wait for what is to come.
Corn... it has taught me to have faith, hope... and to wait in a deepening patience!
Lion~*Cobs&SilkGiveHopeAJoltPaw
Monday, July 24, 2006
Last night my corn fell over!
Last night my corn fell over! We had a humungeous thunder/lightning storm with high winds and pounding rain. And this morning when I ventured out at 5 am... I discovered my 8 rows of corn... laying flat on the ground. So I did what any good agriculturalists would do... I played mudpie. I attempted to haul that corn back up off the mud and pack it up firm so it could stand tall again. The sag and sway, the snapped off stalks... were enough to make me cry!
Each year I call my garden my own personal sanctuary. It is my place of solitude. Of close communication with my Lord. Of hearing my own soul speak in many tones from happy to deep deep sadness. Today I saw my life like this corn patch that was beat to the ground by wind and rain. You see I have planted a lot for my family . I have seeded them with my love and nurtured them with a great deal of hard work. I haven't asked for help - I took on upholding them one by one. Yet all the toil of heart and hand I've done is of no use when an unforeseen storm comes rumbling in and flattens it all to the ground. It can be picked back up ... what hasn't been broken right off... but never again will it look the same... and perhaps no corn will grow... even though the plant remains green. I can plant and hoe and pack dirt around and water and watch, but I cannot make a single kurnel grow.
My garden is not my own creation. I miss weeds and they shoot up tall waving in arrogance taunting me to come pluck them out. I make not one flower blossom or one berry to grow. I do nothing at all to make lilies waft a gorgeous scent upon an evening breeze. I have no glory in the crowns of broccoli that burst out from their nesting foliage. Yet I think I have done all this work... all this toil... all this growing.
I plant, water, pick... and that is it. I am not responsible for a bean being a bean or for the bucketfuls of chickweed that spread a thick carpet around tender young shoots. It all grows as it is supposed to ... because of what the seed contained.
My family is mine... and I can nurture and tend it with loving care... and still... it is not my doing what it becomes. I am only able to do that for myself. What each contains is what will be harvested. I am the servant tending this garden... I am not its Master. And I think I need a day off.
Love Lion~*NoGardenGlovesTodayPaw
Each year I call my garden my own personal sanctuary. It is my place of solitude. Of close communication with my Lord. Of hearing my own soul speak in many tones from happy to deep deep sadness. Today I saw my life like this corn patch that was beat to the ground by wind and rain. You see I have planted a lot for my family . I have seeded them with my love and nurtured them with a great deal of hard work. I haven't asked for help - I took on upholding them one by one. Yet all the toil of heart and hand I've done is of no use when an unforeseen storm comes rumbling in and flattens it all to the ground. It can be picked back up ... what hasn't been broken right off... but never again will it look the same... and perhaps no corn will grow... even though the plant remains green. I can plant and hoe and pack dirt around and water and watch, but I cannot make a single kurnel grow.
My garden is not my own creation. I miss weeds and they shoot up tall waving in arrogance taunting me to come pluck them out. I make not one flower blossom or one berry to grow. I do nothing at all to make lilies waft a gorgeous scent upon an evening breeze. I have no glory in the crowns of broccoli that burst out from their nesting foliage. Yet I think I have done all this work... all this toil... all this growing.
I plant, water, pick... and that is it. I am not responsible for a bean being a bean or for the bucketfuls of chickweed that spread a thick carpet around tender young shoots. It all grows as it is supposed to ... because of what the seed contained.
My family is mine... and I can nurture and tend it with loving care... and still... it is not my doing what it becomes. I am only able to do that for myself. What each contains is what will be harvested. I am the servant tending this garden... I am not its Master. And I think I need a day off.
Love Lion~*NoGardenGlovesTodayPaw
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
And when I am weary...
I seek out the comfort of my gardens that wrap around my home and nestle my own little kingdom with comforts and delight! I love to get my hands and feet covered in dirt. It makes me feel like I have actually accomplished something. I love the peace my gardens give to both growling tummies and hungry soul eyes! My sanctuary of solitude and contentment. I dare say more has been planted in me out there than in the ground... I just take longer to blossom!
Love Lion~*KissAFlowerOnceAnHourPaw
Love Lion~*KissAFlowerOnceAnHourPaw
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Stained
Stained glass brings in a glorious array of colors dancing within a room!
Stained hands show hard work and determination... accomplishment!
Stained clothes testify to a hilarious day of fun and run!
Stained lips taste of berry juices delighting the buds!
Stained coffee cups rest in a sink and warmth resides in the belly!
Stained cheeks mark the path of worry, pain, confusion, plain overraught!
Stained soul etches scars edges, dark imprints, raw cells, bacterial grief!
I feel very stained.
My inner rooms are covered in stained glass images... outside the glory just cannot be comprehended! Stained windows can only be appreciated from within in the day... and from out in the night.
Outside in the day one might comment, " Oh look at that - how lovely"... but inside as the Sun shines through is where the struck of awe at what is seen... is seen! Outside at night... nothing is known if no light is lit or if only one stubby candle glows deep within.
Yesterday my soul friend Maggie said that I have developed a complicated inner world. I had to store this away for some thought. I have only really ever had my very own self to hear me... so I suppose that I do have a complicated world within. Perhaps this is why I have never felt anyone at all understands me. Until I first began to allow my inner world to be heard... and with imagery... visualized.
I have some rooms no one has seen... not even me... I *feel* the ominous that is there... but do not step down that hall not knowing who awaits for me there.
I have rooms I long to have friends come visit with me. I want to share everything that fills those cavities. The wonderments, overwhelming, astounding, awe inspired creativity that blends so significantly together.
And I have rooms that are just simply stained. Splashed all over the walls going from room to room is ANGER and loneliness. I am the only one welcome to enter there. Trying to repaint is futile... the stains just seep back through. I think they need to be there... and some days... so do I.
I truly hate the probing question, " HOW are YOU?" Suddenly with the speed of wind all those rooms echo down into the hall of my heart... and I am searching for some safe ambiguous non-reply to satisfy the individual with the audacity to ask me this.
I am supposed to be the strong one, the helper, the keeper, the encourager... the one who never wears out. The one who has worked through her life and has come out on top.... I thought I was nearing the top one day... and I got pushed... and I fell skidding all the way to the very bottom... injured, broken, marred, winded of breath... alone as a clock kept ticking.
So I pulled myself back up and on twists and breaks, with portions of my heart bitten out as if by a wild animal... I walk room to room alone and look at the stain created pictures and artifacts
there. I laugh and smile, I cringe and cover my mouth, I scream and beat my fists and I share the best that is left of me.
One day when I am prepared... I am going to stand out in the night in my raw nakedness of soul... with all the lights on in my rooms...every room!!! and I am going to SHINE my own Stained Glass and I believe it will be astonishing!
Love Lion~*Stained,Drained,GainedPaw
Stained hands show hard work and determination... accomplishment!
Stained clothes testify to a hilarious day of fun and run!
Stained lips taste of berry juices delighting the buds!
Stained coffee cups rest in a sink and warmth resides in the belly!
Stained cheeks mark the path of worry, pain, confusion, plain overraught!
Stained soul etches scars edges, dark imprints, raw cells, bacterial grief!
I feel very stained.
My inner rooms are covered in stained glass images... outside the glory just cannot be comprehended! Stained windows can only be appreciated from within in the day... and from out in the night.
Outside in the day one might comment, " Oh look at that - how lovely"... but inside as the Sun shines through is where the struck of awe at what is seen... is seen! Outside at night... nothing is known if no light is lit or if only one stubby candle glows deep within.
Yesterday my soul friend Maggie said that I have developed a complicated inner world. I had to store this away for some thought. I have only really ever had my very own self to hear me... so I suppose that I do have a complicated world within. Perhaps this is why I have never felt anyone at all understands me. Until I first began to allow my inner world to be heard... and with imagery... visualized.
I have some rooms no one has seen... not even me... I *feel* the ominous that is there... but do not step down that hall not knowing who awaits for me there.
I have rooms I long to have friends come visit with me. I want to share everything that fills those cavities. The wonderments, overwhelming, astounding, awe inspired creativity that blends so significantly together.
And I have rooms that are just simply stained. Splashed all over the walls going from room to room is ANGER and loneliness. I am the only one welcome to enter there. Trying to repaint is futile... the stains just seep back through. I think they need to be there... and some days... so do I.
I truly hate the probing question, " HOW are YOU?" Suddenly with the speed of wind all those rooms echo down into the hall of my heart... and I am searching for some safe ambiguous non-reply to satisfy the individual with the audacity to ask me this.
I am supposed to be the strong one, the helper, the keeper, the encourager... the one who never wears out. The one who has worked through her life and has come out on top.... I thought I was nearing the top one day... and I got pushed... and I fell skidding all the way to the very bottom... injured, broken, marred, winded of breath... alone as a clock kept ticking.
So I pulled myself back up and on twists and breaks, with portions of my heart bitten out as if by a wild animal... I walk room to room alone and look at the stain created pictures and artifacts
there. I laugh and smile, I cringe and cover my mouth, I scream and beat my fists and I share the best that is left of me.
One day when I am prepared... I am going to stand out in the night in my raw nakedness of soul... with all the lights on in my rooms...every room!!! and I am going to SHINE my own Stained Glass and I believe it will be astonishing!
Love Lion~*Stained,Drained,GainedPaw
Friday, June 09, 2006
Unconfined
Unconfined. This word spoke to me the other day. I suppose it really wants me to journey to the core of its descriptive meaning... and to procure some vast treasure for my soul's released blissfulness.
The last thing I feel right now is bliss.
I feel rather like a walled fortress that has been pummeled with mortar attack and the main tower is now listing and crumbling... with a momentum that is sure to bring every brick crashing to a heap of rubble... I suppose however, that in that downfall... the fortress herself will finally be.... unconfined.
But how do I let my walls of defense and defiance crumple to powder... like talc? To create a smooth , softening that heals a deeply chafed vulnerability...
I want to shout... * I AM DONE!!!* And yet sadly... I am so aware that I have not even begun this melting down of the purifying ritual my life demands and demands with awakening intensity.
Unconfined.... redefined... intertwined...so sublime... can this be mine?
Lion~*ConfinedDesignedPainInTheHindPaw
The last thing I feel right now is bliss.
I feel rather like a walled fortress that has been pummeled with mortar attack and the main tower is now listing and crumbling... with a momentum that is sure to bring every brick crashing to a heap of rubble... I suppose however, that in that downfall... the fortress herself will finally be.... unconfined.
But how do I let my walls of defense and defiance crumple to powder... like talc? To create a smooth , softening that heals a deeply chafed vulnerability...
I want to shout... * I AM DONE!!!* And yet sadly... I am so aware that I have not even begun this melting down of the purifying ritual my life demands and demands with awakening intensity.
Unconfined.... redefined... intertwined...so sublime... can this be mine?
Lion~*ConfinedDesignedPainInTheHindPaw
Friday, April 28, 2006
Snap Out of It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Snap Out Of IT"... Get OVER IT... Let Go of IT... Move On... and on... and on...
No one knew that the words "He's Dead" would trigger off a life of torture... Greif demands so much from everyone who is brave enough to hold its hand. Some walk away from grief ignoring her tender call ... tender call... what a strange thought to come forth... yet it is... grief is birthed from the depths of love and the value someone has been within our lives and hearts. I have grieved... grieved deep , wide, high and looooong! I also said a very releasing " GoodBye"...
Grief always stirs up the tenderness and longing we have.... and the disappointments of what will not be.
It isn't the grief I am dealing with daily anymore... you can't get over it or let go but you can move on... and memory comes along with me... and I smile in this.
The torture came in the trauma... how can a little girl understand how something so hideous could happen. They made me see him... and it didn't look like him... even Dad said, " That's not him, it doesn't even look like him." Why were we being put through this then... when someone made a very BIG mistake... he has to be lost out there somewhere and someone better make it right. No one ever did.
Took 20 yrs to face the grief as a mature woman... one who could rationally look at what happened and move forward without the rage and heavy grief always pressing out of her pours.
But that one moment...something happened in my body... Dr's said it literally suffocated in on itself... and the pain I had in my heart, soul, spirit... clung and rooted deeply into my body. Muscles turned to stone spasms. Joints turned into inflamed aches, Nerves like scorched endings moving across my skin. Headache... not headaches... cause it never ends... it only worsens or lessens. Treatments... Meds... you name it... it doen't work and it doesn't touch the pain. If I listed all the infirmities I would be charged with exaggeration! Some defects from the womb... other's defects from the effects of severe soul pain. Helpless... hopeless... yet determined to keep moving forward.
What did my brain do that second it heard the hideous news? The key that locked this body into a life of pain and sickness... this isn't the grief... it was an iterpretation... and all the "Letting Go" will not unlock what is held in some dark portion of my spirit. Somewhere it knows... but I am also unnerved right now to journey there... yet if it is possible... I want to go and find the key... hold the door latch and open myself up and walk into wellness, wholeness... release from this torture that so cruelly punishes me daily. I would like to know who I am "unhindered"...
"Snap Out of It!" People who think like this... have no understanding or compassion. They are arrogant and I feel sorry for their shortsightedness. I am an adult ... and I have NO idea what happened to me when I was a child... no one has a clue... How could they?
I can snap my fingers, snap a stick, snap a piece of chocolate in two... but I cannot snap out of this body pain and fatigue... if it were so simple... it would have been long ago.
No one knew that the words "He's Dead" would trigger off a life of torture... Greif demands so much from everyone who is brave enough to hold its hand. Some walk away from grief ignoring her tender call ... tender call... what a strange thought to come forth... yet it is... grief is birthed from the depths of love and the value someone has been within our lives and hearts. I have grieved... grieved deep , wide, high and looooong! I also said a very releasing " GoodBye"...
Grief always stirs up the tenderness and longing we have.... and the disappointments of what will not be.
It isn't the grief I am dealing with daily anymore... you can't get over it or let go but you can move on... and memory comes along with me... and I smile in this.
The torture came in the trauma... how can a little girl understand how something so hideous could happen. They made me see him... and it didn't look like him... even Dad said, " That's not him, it doesn't even look like him." Why were we being put through this then... when someone made a very BIG mistake... he has to be lost out there somewhere and someone better make it right. No one ever did.
Took 20 yrs to face the grief as a mature woman... one who could rationally look at what happened and move forward without the rage and heavy grief always pressing out of her pours.
But that one moment...something happened in my body... Dr's said it literally suffocated in on itself... and the pain I had in my heart, soul, spirit... clung and rooted deeply into my body. Muscles turned to stone spasms. Joints turned into inflamed aches, Nerves like scorched endings moving across my skin. Headache... not headaches... cause it never ends... it only worsens or lessens. Treatments... Meds... you name it... it doen't work and it doesn't touch the pain. If I listed all the infirmities I would be charged with exaggeration! Some defects from the womb... other's defects from the effects of severe soul pain. Helpless... hopeless... yet determined to keep moving forward.
What did my brain do that second it heard the hideous news? The key that locked this body into a life of pain and sickness... this isn't the grief... it was an iterpretation... and all the "Letting Go" will not unlock what is held in some dark portion of my spirit. Somewhere it knows... but I am also unnerved right now to journey there... yet if it is possible... I want to go and find the key... hold the door latch and open myself up and walk into wellness, wholeness... release from this torture that so cruelly punishes me daily. I would like to know who I am "unhindered"...
"Snap Out of It!" People who think like this... have no understanding or compassion. They are arrogant and I feel sorry for their shortsightedness. I am an adult ... and I have NO idea what happened to me when I was a child... no one has a clue... How could they?
I can snap my fingers, snap a stick, snap a piece of chocolate in two... but I cannot snap out of this body pain and fatigue... if it were so simple... it would have been long ago.
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