Well, it has been awhile... and I don't know that even now I have anything worth saying, sharing or being heard. It isn't that nothing has occurred... I have had quite a bit happen... like a deeper assurance and conviction to be faithful to Truth! Like a stronger commitment to do everything it takes to learn more about what love means and to live it well! Like discovering through the help of many medical practitioners just what a healthy wreck I truly am! ... I have seen 8 Doctors in the last 1 1/2 yrs. Have a couple more to go still. Though I have received some great validation and important information... ALL of them come to one final conclusion... there is really nothing any of them can do to help me. I have been pronounced to be a well balanced individual who has some very difficult ailments that are not going to get any better... and many that will indeed... get much worse as I age.
Knowledge is Power!!!! sigh... Yes, it is helpful to know all that I do about what is going on with me... but I also feel extremely powerless! I had hoped someone could do something! I have been avoiding it since seeing the last specialist 3 weeks ago... but I think I really need to mourn once again... the loss of what I haven't had for nearly my whole life... and medically speaking... never will know. This isn't the end of it... it is just the 're'beginning of realizing the harsh impact of my reality. I wondered why I kept getting worse when what I am told I have is not progressive... yet I am continuing down a slippery slope that someone cruelly greased so I can't climb back up!
DAMMMMMMM!!!!
Until January no one looked into what Dr's found when I was a teenager...those xrays told a story no one wanted to read in many lonnng years!!! and THIS is what has provided me with the ever worsening of body. I have been contained in a vessel defective from conception... and so now... when they all say, "There is nothing we can do for you at this time!"... well they never could... and never can.
All I can do is maintain a healthy life and keep myself moving as best I can. It is all I have done for YEARS so nothing new there ... I am going to have to adjust a few things though... I will do all I can to avoid being in the vast majority who end up with serious surgeries. That would displease me greatly.
I used to have a reoccurring dream... I would be running through different places and times of my past... always there were 2 lines of people on each side of me... some people unknown and some significantly recognized... some cheered me and others reached out to divert my attention, but I would never stop... I kept running. After dreaming it... OH!!! I wanted to run so much! I know the true significance of the dream was not to become a marathon jogger... but to spiritually keep my focus and run the race set before me called Life! I could have been sidetracked multiple times... I have been on occassion... but never for long! I haven't been able to really run since I was 13 ... but I tell you ... I do know a thing or two about Living Life Well! Truth be told... that though it is indeed disappointing to be told over and over that nothing can be done medically... my journey has taken a turn of deepening contentment these last 2 months alone... and that is what makes all the difference in this life of mine!
So I will do myself the favor of feeling my sadness and be comforted by my many joys!!!
Love Lion~*WeakYetStrongPaw
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
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