Bulwark of My Soul

"The emotional virus lives

and thrives

in the gap between expectations and perceived reality."

Doc Childre and Bruce Cryer,

Chaos to Coherance

Now doesn't that give one much to think upon! I have had repeat infections of this virus. It is a hard one to shake and no medicine can be swallowed to alleviate the symptoms!

So I cling to the walls of truth where authenticity adheres untrammeled. It is getting past the rubbish that clogs one's brain which is no easy endeavor! That gap is filled with so much prattle! Words not intended to restrain our emotional growth, yet creating stagnate ponds of sensitivity. Even mere looks put constriction upon hearts inhibiting growth.

I hear my voices echoing back to that first cry. I hear everything in that gap filled cavern of mine. There wasn't love enough to inoculate me from the viral abyss. Though of course no one is immune! Time has provided a prescription for this malady... maturity infuses the soul with antibodies

If we had no gap... what would we be filled with!

Oh Indeed!

We would be filled with arousing wellbeing, but know not why it is so blissful.

So I shall be thankful for the infirmity that saturated my emotions.

For now I know to cling to the bulwark of my soul.

I tell you, deep inside you is a fountain of bliss, a fountain of joy. Deep inside your center core is truth, light, love, there is no guilt there, there is no fear there. Psychologists have never looked deep enough.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

I believe in the Peace that passes understanding. I am kissed by it daily.The Carpenter building my spirit's destiny lays fresh stones one upon the other mortaring them together firmly, squeezing that gap.

~~~~~

The photo is of Cathedral Mountain. I lived at the very base of it long ago! The picture doesn't do it justice. When you look up at it on a brilliant day... it looks just like a fortified castle! You can see the windows and doors... and the fairy angels flitting about if you really try! :) Fact is... the whole top inside of this mountain has been carved out by miners of old. It has an enormous cavern within, yet stands strong and magnificent by its strong walls. Just like you... just like me!

The Bulwark providing our security and truth... our value... these are not infected.

Love Lion~*

dark of night

dark of night
not to be feared
calm
eyes upturned to distant hope
frail light gently kissing her brow
sensing
the tremor in her bones
not from cold
anticipation
for the wind begins to blow

and certainly will dislodge
incense
of her prayers that got caught
on the edge of a star

Love Lion~* Oct 28 2007

And the world becomes kinder

I watched the movie created from the book, " Goodbye Mr Chips" , by James Hilton. It was a wonderful, terrible, excellent story about life and being a person of deep integrity and honor! One line in the show had me scrambling for paper and pen!

" When I stopped judging myself so harshly, the world became kinder. "

I must confess... I've gathered up my accuser's words since before I can remember. Where the tongues who spoke... also forgot. I held their words upon the precipice of my soul... allowing them... one by one to dive and splash into my emotional chamber and pump through me like poison.

I knew who I was. I knew I was not those cruel syllables. But hearing them caused confusion that I was somehow fautly. Someone had to pay penance... didn't they? So I took on the roll. I took on lies and lost myself in the forgotten rubbish tossed so carelessly.

"Love yourself! Take care of yourself! Self-respect, Dignity!" When these words started washing over me, I was at a loss! I did... didn't I? But alas, No! I judged myself very hard, very, very hard on the witness of unthinking individuals. I spent most of my life alone. Very meagre of friends. Locked in walls built to protect, but sheltering pain with no escape route! It was confusing to have duality of emotions. I cared so much for others, but couldn't allow anyone to know what lay so achingly within me.

When I took time to hear myself... I was agast! I got to work seeking out the burdens. While Hands much larger than I, crushed my walls to rubble and dust! I began to see me and not the hideous refuse that marred my soul's visage. I began to fall in love with who my Lord said I was. No other opinion mattered. Their reminice faded like fog when the Sun breaks through!

Some days I still have the residual effects of fresh floggings and I try to step back from their flashing whip... but I am not always quick enough and get scratched and gouged. I think it impossible to sidestep when being blindsided!!! sigh. But I know a great Healer when this happens.

I have been judged harshly and I have judged myself even harder because of it! When I stopped ( or at least became increasingly aware so I could stop) kindness came to me. Even more than this... where I had given my best to others... I suddenly had much better to give!

It is no cliche' to love others as you love yourself. If love for self is limited, then it goes for certain that your love for others is also bound to limited knowledge. Yet to love me, I had to first know I was loved by Another. God's love gave me truth no earthly vessel can.

When I stopped judging myself so unwisely with unedited bluther... I also learned to be much more gracious to others. To understand the cause of my 'effects'... made me seek a new perspective of those before me. Truly, this harsh world has gained a gentler edge!

Even ten years later I still feel quite lonely. Perhaps that is because I have SO much more space to be refilled!

Love Lion~*

"Our own heart, and not other men's opinions, forms our true honor." - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome." - Michael Jordan

Re-examine all you have been told... dismiss what insults your soul." -Walt Whitman

Whosoever may torment you, harass you, confound you, or upset you, is a teacher. Not because they're wise, but because you seek to become so." -Mike Dooley

Gates

Gates, they keep in and keep out!

We all have emotional gates. We let some through to venture into our soulful garden. Others are barred at the outskirts only glimpsing what might lay beyond!


I believe that at the heart of all persons is the desire to be known... acknowledged! Those who hide behind the highest walls with solid gates... want to be found most of all. Our gardens are meant to be shared and seeds exchanged and grown. And we all need help with weeding every so often!


Proverbs 19:22 What a person desires is unfailing love ; better to be poor than a liar.


This world holds little real unconditional love. Yet it is the very Heart and Core of our Creator. I have faith in God's unfailing love. People, all people require love to be sucessful in this life. Yet lies corrupt our vital sustainance. We were born with the image of God imbedded in our spirit. To be loved and to love. To have relationships that empower one another to respect and honor all persons. To enable people to grow and mature in their talants and goals. We are meant to uphold one another... not lash out at those we love... or those we fear because they look, sound or simply live in a foreign land.


We don't have to 'like' what some people choose to do. Some willingly defy our purpose in life. They do not have love in their hearts. They have sought out dark shadows to reside in where the truth cannot shine upon them. Perhaps they were born into shadow. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Now there is a difficult truth to follow. Love is expressed in a great many ways. Sometimes the only thing you can see in another person is the fact that they are a 'person' who though vile, is to be pitied for how lost in lies and destruction they are steeped. I believe that pity is indeed a form of love that can can provoke words of prayer if nothing else for such individuals.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Jalal ad -Din Rumi


Ultimately, we have just one moral duty: to reclaim large areas of peace in ourselves, more and more peace, and to reflect it towards others. And the more peace there is in us, the more peace there will be in our troubled world. Etty Hillesum


We are not meant to judge one another. We are meant to strive to be love and to help lift one another up to this challenge. We all know right from wrong. What do I let in through my gate? What grows in me? What grows in you? One source... many outcomes... yet still... only one destiny meant for ALL.


As I pluck up my weeds, I will try very hard not to throw them over the wall to implant in your garden space. Please be so kind to those to the right and left encircling you also!


Love Lion~*

Birth of a Victorious Spirit

"We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth." -- Mary Antin

I think Mary Antin very wise in her conclusion about our spiritual birth and growth. It is slow and exceedingly painful... lasts a lifetime! It is also richly rewarding to be maturing into our destined potential in this mortal life! So often I've attempted to avoid the pain… guess what happens? It only gets worse! If it is time for birthing… it is time for birthing! I had 4 sons and all varied in their arrival time. They also differ in their sprouting upward to tower over me! None of it can be avoided. Hesitation only gathers the velocity to which it will ultimately happen. This is why some grow steady forward… and some seemingly stagnate suddenly get thrown forward like a sling shot! And all say, " WOW" Have they ever changed!!!

You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. - Rwandan saying

Do you remember having growing pains in your legs as a child? I sure did! I would wake up crying in pain and my Mom would try to soothe them. It wasn’t fun… but I did manage to grow up to be a soaring 5’5-½”!!! With all the childhood sufferings of growing up my Mom would say “ You have to suffer to be beautiful!"

Well point is… all life’s happenings especially the difficult ones bring true growing pains to our spirit. The pains demand we seek understanding and wisdom to relieve the pain as we stretch up to our maturity! We hold so much within our soul and most times no one has a clue what strain we are going through. I cannot tell you how many times I was told. “ You look so great!” Yet I was steeped in sheer agony of soul and feeling very alone! No one saw that. I never let anyone know. ' Alone' makes it harder to be birthed in our spirit because it bars us from accepting benefits of wisdom from others. Growth comes easier with encouragement and loving care! I hadn't known I deserved that. Sometimes I still forget!

"If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful after all." - Michelangelo

You are a masterpiece! You may be hurting, but take heart! That pain is developing in you gifts, wisdom and precious abilities that you need… that this world needs from you! Don’t fight it. Embrace it! Seek the balm of kindred friends who will empower you with the truth they see in you and you in them! Perhaps if Michelangelo had friends like that… he wouldn’t have had such a hard time ?!?!?!? His mastery may have been even more celebrated!!!

Ultimately, we have just one moral duty: to reclaim large areas of peace in ourselves, more and more peace, and to reflect it towards others. And the more peace there is in us, the more peace there will be in our troubled world. Etty Hillesum

And we know how desperately this world need more peace! I need it and I know you need it too! Sometimes it just takes us a bit of time to realize how much more is available to us. Life is not about being victims to life’s pain. It is about gathering wisdom, understanding, courage, thanks and loving relationships to become Victors in spite of that pain! You were born with potential. If you have forgotten… reclaim what is yours. Be of courage and fulfill your purpose… it is undoubtedly connected to another’s moral duty also!

With love Lion~*

Be the one you were Divinely designed to be. Accept what come to you because you are amazing.You can do it...we can... we truly can!!!

Sometimes I get lost

Sometimes I get lost


The past takes up hours of today


Faces that cannot be reached tug at my soul


Not one tear falls





Sometimes I forget to breathe


The past needs no inhale to survive


But my muscle ache must exhale soon


But I wait a moment





Sometimes I want to scream


To holler out my soul's burden


and empty my veins of this poison


stagnating heart seams





Sometimes I long to be known


For just one to sit with me


And bestow compassion


Yet who indeed...




Love Lion~*




Sometimes I need to remember so I can relinquish... how immensely tight my grip is. I have gone numb with the effort. How crazy is that. I could counsel so many with happy results... yet a simple breath and lifting of my will... I have no courage for.

Sometimes it is just a memory... and sometimes it is someone so much more. I found my brothers best friends. One who was there those torturous hours of evil fate. I know now all that happened. Where my sight ended at the dark corner of snowflakes... another gave my mind sight to see and know it all... and I have gone numb. Just as I did many years ago... I am not quite sure what I am supposed to do with it... but I know I have this huge gripping within me... and I am afraid of letting go... yet the wisdom in me knows it is what I need.

Closure... a door is not really closed till you let go of the knob... is it? But it has NOT been the good that has crowded in on me all these years. Not the happy memories some are allowed to keep. Mine is filled with murderous sorrow and it has both made and tainted me. I quit breathing when I lost him. He was my soft place to trust. He protected me. He cared when no one else did. He said "Bye, see you tomorrow!" But when I did see him... he was no longer there.

I thought I had dealt with it all so well. Till coincidence brought a fateful few my way. And now I know things I was never told. And I feel more alone than I did then... for even tears won't befriend me now.

There are people whom one loves immediately and forever. Even to know they are alive in the world is quite enough.

Nancy Spain

And when they are gone... nothing is ever quite enough