Thursday, December 21, 2006

Risk and Result


Celestials

I look up into the winter night sky
To see if the same star is seen that you look upon
But clouds have covered the celestials from me
Perhaps the mists have done the same where you stand?
So I send out my thoughts on the current of air passing over me
And hope that they journey to be breathed in by you

December14 2006
Lion~*Paw
Today a good friend of mine said this to me:
"Rejection, I think, is a result of expectation. Perhaps it's a risk and result of caring because we (at least I) can't and don't want to guard my heart so that I have NO hope of returned affection, appreciation, contact, support from others in my life."
I have poured out my heart for my friends. Listened for hours. Given them the grace to be who they are. Accepted their differences and rejoiced in the unique characters that have surrounded me. I have given what knowledge and wisdom I have been given myself. There can be such a richness in sharing ones life and caring with an open heart of kind love.
Rejection, who would want to reject such a bounty of support, gentle understanding, respect and affirmation of worthiness? Yet I have found this my gift many misfortunate times. I've not done a very good job of guarding my heart. Truth be told, each time, I didn't know I had need of a centurion at its gateway! Risk and result... win some, lose some, broken and bruised some, kept in heart to some as well. All in all, my heart remains open... even to those who've turned away... for they gave me something I needed to know to become this woman that I myself love to know! Whether I am remembered or forgotten in rot... I recall them and still wish it were different, but perhaps they could not risk their armour be put down and the result has fortified their loneliness even more than mine?
So I think of them who once called me 'best' 'most valued' 'forever my friend' and I will uphold them in this heart of mine... until my days end.
Love Lion~*LoveAndHopePaw

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Yesterday



Yesterday, I cut off 10 inches of my hair to donate to the cancer society for a wig! Did it in honor of my dear friend Rhian . She had breast cancer and couldn't find a wig that suited her. We shopped online together to see if we could find something "her". I was appalled to see that real hair wigs are way over $1000. Something she couldn't possibly afford when so sick and unable to work. She died with her lovely "baby hedgehog hair" as she called it. She was gorgeous inside and out! I told her... I could grow my hair out and donate for a wig for cancer patients! I kept my word. I grew my hair out for over 2 1/2 years. She has been gone 21 months :( Yet so present in my heart's embrace.

While I sat there getting my hair done I also had remembrance of other dear family and friends cancer took in the last 5 years~ Donna, Grandma,Anne,Doris,Gudrun,Tamara. Those who fought and are survivors~ Mom, Sabi, Wendy,Shelagh,Karin. Ones who fight now~ Margaret, Dave, Betty.

Don't forget to do good and to share what you have with those in need, for such sacrifices are very pleasing to God. Hebrews 13:16

I can give my ears to listen, my arms to embrace, my heart to envelope each with love and my words to encourage and bring laughter... and now for some precious child who is in need... I can give a few inches of hair to make them smile their beautiful smile and not be a "cancer patient" but a gorgeous child ... with a new lion~*mane to sport in their courageous journey!Truly is an extremely emotional experience... both the growing my hair so long and thinking of Rhian with such pride for the phenomenal woman she was every morning while brushing it out... and for the knowing that a few snippits of hair will make all the difference to another when they have hair to brush!

The long and the short of it... I feel so blessed... to give this gift... and having received such blessings from all those I mentioned.

Love Lion~*BlessedBySoulsThatRestPaw








Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hollow of a Tree

I am in a strange space right now. I could crawl into the hollow of a tree, cover the doorway with a pile of leaves and hide away for as long as I need... I can already be as invisible to most of the world as I want to be... not many ever come looking for me. But I would still like the choice every now and again to hide... maybe for someone to want to come find me... maybe just so I can find that little something that keeps calling me to myself.
I am finding this a very lonely stretch in my life. Guess that is why I would like a "get away". My oldest son has moved out, my second went from talking to me everyday for at least an hour to cave dwelling and living in his room and not at all in the rest of the house. My third doesn't know quite what to do with himself but the sweet guy comes and hugs me several times a day and tells me he loves me and my fourth is mr social one visiting with friends every spare moment he can. With my hubby working steady nights till 3 am... well you would think I would have more than enough time alone and wouldn't desire more... yet I do and don't.
I have friends who need me when they are in need and close their front door along with the screen otherwise. So I only have myself to discuss what is being internalized in me. I feel that strength... but I also feel some slip... which probably means I should loosen my grip up!
I just don't know what I want or what I can do with myself. My health is bombarding me so fiercely that I seriously fear the reprocussions that are on my horizon. I don't even talk to Robert about it. Today he said he notices how much worse I am getting but that was his only revelation. Honestly, what can he do or say... I don't know what I need from him or anyone right now. Oh dear! I am going to do what I haven't for months and months... ugh... salt tears that have refused have blinded my sight.... I hate that throat constiction and sting on cheek.

The tree hollow would not be such a grand plan would it? Everything would just follow me there within my head. My cracked heart would drum its same beat and my brain thump around in its space looking for an outlet. To be so strong and yet so weak at the same time. Such a contradiction ... such necessity!
If I let it out... if I actually spoke it... would the contradiction end?
Perhaps on a page not so known. Or should it be? I wish I didn't know the story myself. Why would anyone else want the read?

A hollow of a tree
that is where I could be
to sing my sad love song
in tears
In a hollow of a tree
my cracked heart drumming
rhythms so wildly free within
changing harmonies
From a hollow of a tree
I could find what I seek
curled up in contentment both
strong and yet weak
Hiding in a hollow of a tree
would anyone attempt to come find
this person no one knows yet in this
wild fortress grows
Love Lion~*WoodNymphPaw

Saturday, October 07, 2006

To Feel It

I have seen a pattern ~ weaved and woven into intricate designs of emotional tuck and knot and fray. I have cloaked myself with it and seen others make their own mosaic of tapestry. Hung on windows, walls and spread across floors. Covering the blemishes that seep through the stains of the soul.

What makes a person hide in dark illusions? To carry dim candlelight when Sun is brilliant and Moon is full! To remain dormant when all around flowers blossom and trees sway in the wind.

Just like in ancient castles with dank lighting that brood dark corners and twisted passageways... So are we in our emotional bliss retreats. Others squint and feel somewhat uneasy not being quite sure what is hidden in the darkened edges... or even in the center portrait on the wall. We think we should be safe in our rigorous interior decorating... yet security is a feeling lost in our fortress of dressed over distresses.

I have found a real comfort in feeling. It hasn't mattered much what the emotion is... I just like what feeling has accomplished as I redecorate the housing of my soul. I used to repress to the point of depress or fireburst the inferno of conceived hurts. Instead of calmly taking each emotional strand and weave them through me till the vibrant picture stories before my own minds sight.

A dark foreboding castle is unnerving for anyone to advance up to; let alone enter. Yet one well lived in. Illuminated with many flaming candles dancing a warm glow. Same castle...two outlooks: One of emotional hostage like the prison Keep... One of haven of harmonious awareness.

I love feeling, understanding, accepting and reveling in the awareness of a completing that is tucking in what was once loose and frayed.

My castle form is hung with emotional tapestry revealing a portrait of dignified grace, wounds edged with compassion, highlights of refined gold and a wisdom of time soaked vibrance. I think some are still reluctant to visit. I however am reluctant no longer to take the full tour with a variety of emotional exhibits that compile someone I love, respect and understand.

Love Lady Lion~*TapestryPaw

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Standing Strong

Well, I am still standing on my feet. Still have all the same old problems that follow me through each day from morning till night and then into my sleep. But something has changed. I know my own perspective has... But so much more than this. I feel empowered from the Almighty! I have such a deep silent calm that has rested within me for this past month plus now. It isn't me. It came to me. I felt it come and feel it stay and reside. Makes me stand strong. Makes me learn the discipline of wisdom, quietness and above all... What unconditional love and surrender mean.

I am just as unimpressed as always about the nonsense that flies around me... But I do not reach out to grab a hold of it. I let it fly on its merry way. I have no tolerance to invite it to visit me.

I am learning the fine delicate art of loving me and allow myself to love into wholeness. It truly is possible to hate the * sin* but not the sinner. Fact is in learning so... I actually find myself loving them more! Go figure! The silent calm that has come to reside... Has been teaching me this and better yet... Enabling me to do so.

At just the right time.

I was so worn down I could take no more... And so I did the only logical thing. I stopped taking *it*! Best thing I ever did do! :)

Now after months of being propped up and falling over... I am helping others be propped and find their own footing and strength to stand strong ... And all and only because of the comfort I have been so very Divinely given to comfort the ache that threatened me to shatter!

I love being Lion~*EmpoweredToBeStrongPaw this is no fleeting moment... This has been deeply cultivated and is nurtured continually for lasting growth. I might need a good drink on some of the withering days... But I am keeping on!

My gratitude is to the One who formed me and continues to form me into a woman of grace and dignity.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Corn on the Cob... I did a good job?

So it is harvest time. Was there any corn on the cob??? Did I do a good enough job??? I say I did! I can till, fertilize, plant, hoe, water and hope... and I did all this...

Well I lost about 1/3, of what remained upright and green only 1/3 grew cobs and of the cobs only 1/3 had any kernels of worth on them!

SO ~ I did the very best I could! I watered and watched. I ate! And now the stalks will go through the chipper shredder to provide mulch for next season!

Is my life still like that corn patch? In many ways yes! I see only a fraction of harvest from what I cultivate. What seems fruitless I can turn into composted hope ... and in turn it may provide much nutrition for the next season of growth!!!! There are still only so many things I can do... the rest is up to the will of Creator. I plant, but He instills the nature of the seed.
A seemingly lost crop can provide the sustainance needed for next years growing. So I will rest and wait for what is to come.

Corn... it has taught me to have faith, hope... and to wait in a deepening patience!

Lion~*Cobs&SilkGiveHopeAJoltPaw



Monday, July 24, 2006

Last night my corn fell over!


Last night my corn fell over! We had a humungeous thunder/lightning storm with high winds and pounding rain. And this morning when I ventured out at 5 am... I discovered my 8 rows of corn... laying flat on the ground. So I did what any good agriculturalists would do... I played mudpie. I attempted to haul that corn back up off the mud and pack it up firm so it could stand tall again. The sag and sway, the snapped off stalks... were enough to make me cry!

Each year I call my garden my own personal sanctuary. It is my place of solitude. Of close communication with my Lord. Of hearing my own soul speak in many tones from happy to deep deep sadness. Today I saw my life like this corn patch that was beat to the ground by wind and rain. You see I have planted a lot for my family . I have seeded them with my love and nurtured them with a great deal of hard work. I haven't asked for help - I took on upholding them one by one. Yet all the toil of heart and hand I've done is of no use when an unforeseen storm comes rumbling in and flattens it all to the ground. It can be picked back up ... what hasn't been broken right off... but never again will it look the same... and perhaps no corn will grow... even though the plant remains green. I can plant and hoe and pack dirt around and water and watch, but I cannot make a single kurnel grow.

My garden is not my own creation. I miss weeds and they shoot up tall waving in arrogance taunting me to come pluck them out. I make not one flower blossom or one berry to grow. I do nothing at all to make lilies waft a gorgeous scent upon an evening breeze. I have no glory in the crowns of broccoli that burst out from their nesting foliage. Yet I think I have done all this work... all this toil... all this growing.

I plant, water, pick... and that is it. I am not responsible for a bean being a bean or for the bucketfuls of chickweed that spread a thick carpet around tender young shoots. It all grows as it is supposed to ... because of what the seed contained.

My family is mine... and I can nurture and tend it with loving care... and still... it is not my doing what it becomes. I am only able to do that for myself. What each contains is what will be harvested. I am the servant tending this garden... I am not its Master. And I think I need a day off.

Love Lion~*NoGardenGlovesTodayPaw

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

And when I am weary...

I seek out the comfort of my gardens that wrap around my home and nestle my own little kingdom with comforts and delight! I love to get my hands and feet covered in dirt. It makes me feel like I have actually accomplished something. I love the peace my gardens give to both growling tummies and hungry soul eyes! My sanctuary of solitude and contentment. I dare say more has been planted in me out there than in the ground... I just take longer to blossom!
Love Lion~*KissAFlowerOnceAnHourPaw


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Stained

Stained glass brings in a glorious array of colors dancing within a room!
Stained hands show hard work and determination... accomplishment!
Stained clothes testify to a hilarious day of fun and run!
Stained lips taste of berry juices delighting the buds!
Stained coffee cups rest in a sink and warmth resides in the belly!

Stained cheeks mark the path of worry, pain, confusion, plain overraught!
Stained soul etches scars edges, dark imprints, raw cells, bacterial grief!

I feel very stained.

My inner rooms are covered in stained glass images... outside the glory just cannot be comprehended! Stained windows can only be appreciated from within in the day... and from out in the night.


Outside in the day one might comment, " Oh look at that - how lovely"... but inside as the Sun shines through is where the struck of awe at what is seen... is seen! Outside at night... nothing is known if no light is lit or if only one stubby candle glows deep within.

Yesterday my soul friend Maggie said that I have developed a complicated inner world. I had to store this away for some thought. I have only really ever had my very own self to hear me... so I suppose that I do have a complicated world within. Perhaps this is why I have never felt anyone at all understands me. Until I first began to allow my inner world to be heard... and with imagery... visualized.

I have some rooms no one has seen... not even me... I *feel* the ominous that is there... but do not step down that hall not knowing who awaits for me there.

I have rooms I long to have friends come visit with me. I want to share everything that fills those cavities. The wonderments, overwhelming, astounding, awe inspired creativity that blends so significantly together.

And I have rooms that are just simply stained. Splashed all over the walls going from room to room is ANGER and loneliness. I am the only one welcome to enter there. Trying to repaint is futile... the stains just seep back through. I think they need to be there... and some days... so do I.

I truly hate the probing question, " HOW are YOU?" Suddenly with the speed of wind all those rooms echo down into the hall of my heart... and I am searching for some safe ambiguous non-reply to satisfy the individual with the audacity to ask me this.

I am supposed to be the strong one, the helper, the keeper, the encourager... the one who never wears out. The one who has worked through her life and has come out on top.... I thought I was nearing the top one day... and I got pushed... and I fell skidding all the way to the very bottom... injured, broken, marred, winded of breath... alone as a clock kept ticking.

So I pulled myself back up and on twists and breaks, with portions of my heart bitten out as if by a w
ild animal... I walk room to room alone and look at the stain created pictures and artifacts
there. I laugh and smile, I cringe and cover my mouth, I scream and beat my fists and I share the best that is left of me.

One day when I am prepared
... I am going to stand out in the night in my raw nakedness of soul... with all the lights on in my rooms...every room!!! and I am going to SHINE my own Stained Glass and I believe it will be astonishing!

Love Lion~*Stained,Drained,GainedPaw



Friday, June 09, 2006

Unconfined

Unconfined. This word spoke to me the other day. I suppose it really wants me to journey to the core of its descriptive meaning... and to procure some vast treasure for my soul's released blissfulness.

The last thing I feel right now is bliss.

I feel rather like a walled fortress that has been pummeled with mortar attack and the main tower is now listing and crumbling... with a momentum that is sure to bring every brick crashing to a heap of rubble... I suppose however, that in that downfall... the fortress herself will finally be.... unconfined.

But how do I let my walls of defense and defiance crumple to powder... like talc? To create a smooth , softening that heals a deeply chafed vulnerability...

I want to shout... * I AM DONE!!!* And yet sadly... I am so aware that I have not even begun this melting down of the purifying ritual my life demands and demands with awakening intensity.

Unconfined.... redefined... intertwined...so sublime... can this be mine?

Lion~*ConfinedDesignedPainInTheHindPaw

Friday, April 28, 2006

Snap Out of It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Snap Out Of IT"... Get OVER IT... Let Go of IT... Move On... and on... and on...

No one knew that the words "He's Dead" would trigger off a life of torture... Greif demands so much from everyone who is brave enough to hold its hand. Some walk away from grief ignoring her tender call ... tender call... what a strange thought to come forth... yet it is... grief is birthed from the depths of love and the value someone has been within our lives and hearts. I have grieved... grieved deep , wide, high and looooong! I also said a very releasing " GoodBye"...

Grief always stirs up the tenderness and longing we have.... and the disappointments of what will not be.

It isn't the grief I am dealing with daily anymore... you can't get over it or let go but you can move on... and memory comes along with me... and I smile in this.

The torture came in the trauma... how can a little girl understand how something so hideous could happen. They made me see him... and it didn't look like him... even Dad said, " That's not him, it doesn't even look like him." Why were we being put through this then... when someone made a very BIG mistake... he has to be lost out there somewhere and someone better make it right. No one ever did.

Took 20 yrs to face the grief as a mature woman... one who could rationally look at what happened and move forward without the rage and heavy grief always pressing out of her pours.

But that one moment...something happened in my body... Dr's said it literally suffocated in on itself... and the pain I had in my heart, soul, spirit... clung and rooted deeply into my body. Muscles turned to stone spasms. Joints turned into inflamed aches, Nerves like scorched endings moving across my skin. Headache... not headaches... cause it never ends... it only worsens or lessens. Treatments... Meds... you name it... it doen't work and it doesn't touch the pain. If I listed all the infirmities I would be charged with exaggeration! Some defects from the womb... other's defects from the effects of severe soul pain. Helpless... hopeless... yet determined to keep moving forward.

What did my brain do that second it heard the hideous news? The key that locked this body into a life of pain and sickness... this isn't the grief... it was an iterpretation... and all the "Letting Go" will not unlock what is held in some dark portion of my spirit. Somewhere it knows... but I am also unnerved right now to journey there... yet if it is possible... I want to go and find the key... hold the door latch and open myself up and walk into wellness, wholeness... release from this torture that so cruelly punishes me daily. I would like to know who I am "unhindered"...

"Snap Out of It!" People who think like this... have no understanding or compassion. They are arrogant and I feel sorry for their shortsightedness. I am an adult ... and I have NO idea what happened to me when I was a child... no one has a clue... How could they?

I can snap my fingers, snap a stick, snap a piece of chocolate in two... but I cannot snap out of this body pain and fatigue... if it were so simple... it would have been long ago.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

When the Smoke Rose from the Forest


When the Smoke Rose from the Forest

I reached out multiple times
Attempting to hold you back to me
But no one can grip an escaped spirit
Torn away
Shattered to tiny shards of heartache
Now
Asked to line up reality’s agony
Numb
Like a soldier on guard in heavy boots
Yet no enemy to show a face
For it came to dwell within
And has used grenades and swords
To trample the jungles of perception’s tears
Death freed you from danger
But captivated me
Prisoner of the henchman’s wrath
Who will save me?
Can this dungeon be opened ?
Where did the key fall?
Does it teeter upon a precarious cliff
Too jagged for feet to pursue?
It had to stop being about you
When the smoke rose from the forest
So empty and frozen
I got so lost in that winter snow
Never finding myself home again.

Lion~*Speaks
April 26th, 2006 9:23 am


Losing my brother was desperately harsh... it always will be.

Monday, April 24, 2006

What is realistic?

What is realistic to be afraid of? Something you have already experienced... or something you have no idea about? Both hold a gripping power upon the intellect. Both get lived and relived before and after happening. Both hold gray matter hostage in it's shell of bone. Both raise blood pressure as the heart thumps hard and speeds through tunnels to seek escape... and there is none. You just have to ride each day out... each emotion and motion, choice or not.

So why the fear?

Why not throw back your head... raise your hands in surrender and let your heart leap to your throat in yells of exhaltaion as life's wild rollercoaster zips, zooms and climbs just to fall!!!
It is going to happen anyway... you have to take the ride!

But that fear loves a travelling companion!

So I let it squeeze my hands together and plung into my heart and explore my brain ... for whatever that is worth~*

Friday, March 31, 2006

Fatithfilled Reminders

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.
Victor Hugo

Some folks believe in the idea of life after death and I hope they're right... but it's also important, I think, to believe in life BEFORE death.
Ron Atchison

Live your life so that the fear of death can never enter your heart. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light. Give thanks for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. And if perchance you see no reason for giving thanks, rest assured the fault is in yourself.
Chief Tecumseh, Shawnee Indian Chief

“If we have been pleased with life, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes from the hand of the same master.”
Michelangelo
“Perhaps they are not the stars,but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
Eskimo Legend

“Life is a great sunrise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.”
Vladimir Nobokov

"I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner, 1946-1989

“Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.” Rumi

Ecclesiastes 12: 7
and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.

Call the drummers, timbal beaters, and tambourine players. March toward my grave dancing thus, Happy, gay, intoxicated; with hands clapping, So that people would know that the friends of God Go happy and smiling toward the place of meeting.- Rumi

Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.- Rumi

"Faith goes up the stairs love has built
and looks out the window which hope has opened..." Charles Spurgeon

Drumsound rises on the air,its throb, my heart.A voice inside the beatsays, "I know you're tired,but come. This is the way."
Jeláluddín Rúmí(trans. by Coleman Barks




Thursday, March 30, 2006

So Again...

So again I mourn ... this time the tears don't hold behind the dam. This time they fall in a torrential downpour that swamps my heart and makes it float and bob on the surface of a rolling seafoam crested wave. It slams the shoreline and dumps me in the sand.

Death... sometimes it is a welcome guest when one has been beaten and eaten alive by that vicious villain that cancer is. My dear cousin's flesh was consumed by it veracious appetite. Yet her spirit beheld, bestowed, belongs to the Almighty alone. The epitome of gentleness. Of grace. Of forgiveness. Of faithfulness supreme. Who's arms embrace spoke more love than most peoples words. Who's spirit so filled with the presence of God Himself. The kind of quiet nature that makes hard souls sigh and soften to the beauty of life. The kind of soul that makes unbelievers... KNOW that God is more real than what is seen.

I simply feel shattered... that this most tender woman will no longer grace this earthly sod! A lifetime together... it isn't very long you know. Her dear family was there... watching her spirit return to God who gave it. They know... they have peace in their deepest sorrow. It is well with their soul... even though this pain is new and hurts so cuttingly. It is still so well with their souls.
A lifetime together will come once again when each are also birthed into Eternity and swaddled in spirit cloth.

Such distress... such a blessing ... such is this part of life.

The twinkles in your eyes as they crinkle up with glee
Your gentle, tender arms embrace that infiltrates our hearts
Faith that went beyond all borders and boundaries.
A spirit filled with God Himself.
A true temple of His Love.
You thrived and thrived through difficult days
Sustained by the Heavenlies, sustaining us all.
With dawn you returned from where you began.
One by one we shall meet you there... whenever we can.
My heart cracked this morning when I heard you have gone
but it was quickly filled in with your forever bond
Tonight I will go out and look up at the sky
I will thank our Savior
for YOU
the sweet precious you who has embraced me my whole life
with the most caring, gentleness of anyone I have known.
I give thanks that you are in Peace secure
I just wish it had been different
cause this world is at a true loss
without you here.
I love you. I will hold your family close as they need those arms of love to extend back around them in strength , courage and the tender gentleness that they will recognize as given from you, to me.
Lovingly always
Lion~*

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

What does anger speak?

What does anger speak? For me... it screams of disappointment... loss... injury... confinement...disrespect... loss of communication...helplessness... exclusion...intense sorrow... a pain so deep and scarred over yet festering...

I am angry. Can you guess? I feel myself vibrate with it. It clenches my jaw till it aches. It fuses my body into a steel pipeline! I do not care for the feeling... yet I am enjoying the right I have to feel it. It brings to me a great understanding of a yet to be surveyed territory of my heart. This is the place that has invited me to visit on multiple occasions the last few years and I keep turning down the request. I think I will accept this time. See where it takes me. What hollows are securing hidden venues for me? What am I to find when I look into my own eyes?

What will ripen within me as I walk across the threshold and down this very lonely corridor?

Monday, March 13, 2006

Am I really that needed? Or am I an emotional Fix?

Somebody rescue me!

Phone calls- emails - IM's.... I am inundated with needs, sorrows, words that regurgitate into my brain making it swell like a sea sponge. I am the listening ear, sounding board, backsplash at the sink! At times I can deal with it all very well. Other times... that would be now... I am just too tired to contend with the continual bombardment. Am I so treasured on a pedestal that I look like I can hold up the world? Our world? Their world? My own? It is a pretty shoddy spot they set me upon. Can you see the base of this thing wobble? I hate heights and I never asked to be here. Nice firm flat ground for me - thank you very much! I had never considered myself special.... no ... the very opposite infact!

I have my safe places to "lay low". Where I can curl up in safety and vulnerability. But for the most part... I am considered the " strong one". That I should have my own needs and worries... How LUDICROUS could I be? Only a bare few honestly see me as I am. The "raw n real" has appeal for only a few brave souls to gaze upon. Truth is... I am only courageous enough to have a select population look deep enough! And many have not the ability to comprehend or attend outside their own realm of breathe in and breathe out.

This is indeed ok with me. I understand when I simply need my own space. When I am weary of 'being there', instead of just being. When I don't really want to hear anymore bad news. When I adamantly refuse to be emotionally vampirized by others. It is right and proper that I have controlled healthy boundaries. Just as I do not expect anyone to uphold and be my continual emotional nourishment... I cannot be used this way either.

So I will rescue myself.

I will limit the bombardment upon my heart. I will choose to answer the phone or use the machine. I will email back if or when I am able. I will be invisible or online when I am feeling like it. To save my own heart... my own energy reserves... I will be the encouraging supporter of those I love and care deeply about... but I will not be eaten up greedily and then left panting to provide another meal of Lion~*Wisdom a'la mode.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

And Again I Say "Goodbye"

I keep being told that everyone deals with death differently.Yes, this is true. No one can understand how another is comprehending in heart and mind what is so achingly painful.

Grief, that deep sorrow, anger, lonely hearted space that follows death. It is no stranger to me. Infact it's been like a wild beast nipping my heels and rarely allowing me to stop to gasp in air. I have learned to deal with death's heart grip in what I consider very healthy, helpful ways. I have had so much practice at it. For so many years grief was my punisher. Then it became a constant stalker. Hounding me - trying to break my spirit.

I will not allow it to overtake me. I know that in death, there is life Eternal. Hope reaches beyond the hope that breathes and beats the heart. In death I still hold loved ones who are forever planted within my heart. I win - I get to keep all that is precious to me. I am stronger and I have a Conquerer of my enemy and persecuter. Within each loss of those returning to their Source of Life... I find deeper meaning and assurance for life's true value. With every "Goodbye"... there is also a "Hello!"

I am weary, yet vibrant. I am sad, yet I am resiliant. I am broken, yet I mend and bend without falling to tiny bits. I no longer say an agonizing "Farewell", but a deeply knowing " Till we meet again!!!" Safe and freed from the tumult of this world I give thanks for life and love shared and shared well!


And again I say “Goodbye”

Snowflakes softly fallen
Yet such power contained inside their “Whoosh”

Memories sweetly gathered
Yet bittersweet in their trail down the cheek!

Eyes crystal blue and twinkling light
Closed never again shall they be seen seeing.

Wooden footsteps clicking
Silent upon the rocky path of your life.

Your heart has been stilled
Mine rushes and nearly stops on the edge!

God warmly says “Hello”
As again I say “Goodbye”

With much love for the many times shared with love between our families
With much sorrow at the loss of one so vibrant and truly gentle of soul.
Love always Dick ~ God be with you till we meet again!
Love Lion~*LovingYouInSpiritPaw

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Compromise

Sometimes compromise is a very good thing and brings unity and respect and much love. Sometimes it is as easy as compromising on going out to dinner... say Chinese smorg for adults with a menu to order a burger for the kiddlettes. Or maybe going to visit relatives, but staying in a bed and breakfast. Compromise keeps the peace on such issues.

BUT - there is a compromise that asks you to conform to what others believe. It hits on the very heart and core of who you are and all your deepest sacred beliefs. I have been asked to compromise. I am a person who cares and cares fervently about what I do and how I express what I believe. Compromise would bring me an unbearable shame to the core of my very breath... It would transform me into a shell of a corpse with worms eating my heart and mind right out of me. Sounds drastic doesn't it? It is! I know what I believe and why. No one has the right to ask me to compromise. Passion was placed within me as I was formed in my mother's womb. I cannot abort the very essence of who I am. I can compromise on what is for dinner or where to pitch a tent... but who I am is not up for negotiation!


It truly does take courage to do what is right. People gasp and snort, making all kinds of noisey protests! Yet each of us though joined together... stands or falls alone. I stand with great strength right now. I have a shaking within me - but it is not fear... it is more like the thunderous downpour of a high waterfall ~ the strength and awesome power it creates! High overhead is a brilliant rainbow of promise and validation. I am living more authentic as my days pass by and I rest easy within the wise choices I make and live boldly!
Love Lion~*IamWhoIamPaw

Friday, February 24, 2006

Brilliant Sun

Today the sun is brilliant outside... the fresh fallen snow has twinkled its way into raindrops dripping down trunks of trees. The wild pheasants have come for their daily gobbling of wheat and apples. The squirrels dash about digging at the base of trees and clamor back up to high branches with their treasured stash! I have enjoyed the peacefilled bliss of nature that surrounds our home in great abundance. That same peace not only surrounds this fortress in which I live... but it invades my heart and makes me deeply glad I know the One who is Creator.
I have worked all day and have two full pages of writing... just like that squirrel I clamor to my resting place and savor the delight and wisdom my study has endowed me with. I feel strengthened inspite of this body that beats me viciously. Lion~*

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Space To Trace This Heart of Mine

I have been searching for a place where I can freely express myself... I found it within my very own self... Now I will allow my soul to sing in this Space to Trace this Heart of Mine!
I have felt a multitude of emotions beating upon the inner walls of my heart with fists demanding to get out... So they shall... All in good time... They shall.

Emotions are rather like tiny seeds... when you plant them somewhere with good soil and light... they grow into an amazing array of vibrant awe inspiring beauty!


I am Lion~*Paw and I am letting my soul sing !