Somebody rescue me!
Phone calls- emails - IM's.... I am inundated with needs, sorrows, words that regurgitate into my brain making it swell like a sea sponge. I am the listening ear, sounding board, backsplash at the sink! At times I can deal with it all very well. Other times... that would be now... I am just too tired to contend with the continual bombardment. Am I so treasured on a pedestal that I look like I can hold up the world? Our world? Their world? My own? It is a pretty shoddy spot they set me upon. Can you see the base of this thing wobble? I hate heights and I never asked to be here. Nice firm flat ground for me - thank you very much! I had never considered myself special.... no ... the very opposite infact!
I have my safe places to "lay low". Where I can curl up in safety and vulnerability. But for the most part... I am considered the " strong one". That I should have my own needs and worries... How LUDICROUS could I be? Only a bare few honestly see me as I am. The "raw n real" has appeal for only a few brave souls to gaze upon. Truth is... I am only courageous enough to have a select population look deep enough! And many have not the ability to comprehend or attend outside their own realm of breathe in and breathe out.
This is indeed ok with me. I understand when I simply need my own space. When I am weary of 'being there', instead of just being. When I don't really want to hear anymore bad news. When I adamantly refuse to be emotionally vampirized by others. It is right and proper that I have controlled healthy boundaries. Just as I do not expect anyone to uphold and be my continual emotional nourishment... I cannot be used this way either.
So I will rescue myself.
I will limit the bombardment upon my heart. I will choose to answer the phone or use the machine. I will email back if or when I am able. I will be invisible or online when I am feeling like it. To save my own heart... my own energy reserves... I will be the encouraging supporter of those I love and care deeply about... but I will not be eaten up greedily and then left panting to provide another meal of Lion~*Wisdom a'la mode.
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1 comment:
hello dear friend,
Pull the curtains and close the blinds...that's what I feel like today. Had a long talk with a friend tonight about being the one everyone counts on. I've given it up and encourage you to do the same. Too much pressure. Love the site and your writing. And guess what...you don't even have to respond. Enjoy the view from the perch at the window - and the silence of just being.
love, m
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