Snap Out of It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Snap Out Of IT"... Get OVER IT... Let Go of IT... Move On... and on... and on...

No one knew that the words "He's Dead" would trigger off a life of torture... Greif demands so much from everyone who is brave enough to hold its hand. Some walk away from grief ignoring her tender call ... tender call... what a strange thought to come forth... yet it is... grief is birthed from the depths of love and the value someone has been within our lives and hearts. I have grieved... grieved deep , wide, high and looooong! I also said a very releasing " GoodBye"...

Grief always stirs up the tenderness and longing we have.... and the disappointments of what will not be.

It isn't the grief I am dealing with daily anymore... you can't get over it or let go but you can move on... and memory comes along with me... and I smile in this.

The torture came in the trauma... how can a little girl understand how something so hideous could happen. They made me see him... and it didn't look like him... even Dad said, " That's not him, it doesn't even look like him." Why were we being put through this then... when someone made a very BIG mistake... he has to be lost out there somewhere and someone better make it right. No one ever did.

Took 20 yrs to face the grief as a mature woman... one who could rationally look at what happened and move forward without the rage and heavy grief always pressing out of her pours.

But that one moment...something happened in my body... Dr's said it literally suffocated in on itself... and the pain I had in my heart, soul, spirit... clung and rooted deeply into my body. Muscles turned to stone spasms. Joints turned into inflamed aches, Nerves like scorched endings moving across my skin. Headache... not headaches... cause it never ends... it only worsens or lessens. Treatments... Meds... you name it... it doen't work and it doesn't touch the pain. If I listed all the infirmities I would be charged with exaggeration! Some defects from the womb... other's defects from the effects of severe soul pain. Helpless... hopeless... yet determined to keep moving forward.

What did my brain do that second it heard the hideous news? The key that locked this body into a life of pain and sickness... this isn't the grief... it was an iterpretation... and all the "Letting Go" will not unlock what is held in some dark portion of my spirit. Somewhere it knows... but I am also unnerved right now to journey there... yet if it is possible... I want to go and find the key... hold the door latch and open myself up and walk into wellness, wholeness... release from this torture that so cruelly punishes me daily. I would like to know who I am "unhindered"...

"Snap Out of It!" People who think like this... have no understanding or compassion. They are arrogant and I feel sorry for their shortsightedness. I am an adult ... and I have NO idea what happened to me when I was a child... no one has a clue... How could they?

I can snap my fingers, snap a stick, snap a piece of chocolate in two... but I cannot snap out of this body pain and fatigue... if it were so simple... it would have been long ago.