Yesterday

Yesterday, I cut off 10 inches of my hair to donate to the cancer society for a wig! Did it in honor of my dear friend Rhian . She had breast cancer and couldn't find a wig that suited her. We shopped online together to see if we could find something "her". I was appalled to see that real hair wigs are way over $1000. Something she couldn't possibly afford when so sick and unable to work. She died with her lovely "baby hedgehog hair" as she called it. She was gorgeous inside and out! I told her... I could grow my hair out and donate for a wig for cancer patients! I kept my word. I grew my hair out for over 2 1/2 years. She has been gone 21 months :( Yet so present in my heart's embrace.

While I sat there getting my hair done I also had remembrance of other dear family and friends cancer took in the last 5 years~ Donna, Grandma,Anne,Doris,Gudrun,Tamara. Those who fought and are survivors~ Mom, Sabi, Wendy,Shelagh,Karin. Ones who fight now~ Margaret, Dave, Betty.

Don't forget to do good and to share what you have with those in need, for such sacrifices are very pleasing to God. Hebrews 13:16

I can give my ears to listen, my arms to embrace, my heart to envelope each with love and my words to encourage and bring laughter... and now for some precious child who is in need... I can give a few inches of hair to make them smile their beautiful smile and not be a "cancer patient" but a gorgeous child ... with a new lion~*mane to sport in their courageous journey!Truly is an extremely emotional experience... both the growing my hair so long and thinking of Rhian with such pride for the phenomenal woman she was every morning while brushing it out... and for the knowing that a few snippits of hair will make all the difference to another when they have hair to brush!

The long and the short of it... I feel so blessed... to give this gift... and having received such blessings from all those I mentioned.

Love Lion~*BlessedBySoulsThatRestPaw

Hollow of a Tree

I am in a strange space right now. I could crawl into the hollow of a tree, cover the doorway with a pile of leaves and hide away for as long as I need... I can already be as invisible to most of the world as I want to be... not many ever come looking for me. But I would still like the choice every now and again to hide... maybe for someone to want to come find me... maybe just so I can find that little something that keeps calling me to myself.
I am finding this a very lonely stretch in my life. Guess that is why I would like a "get away". My oldest son has moved out, my second went from talking to me everyday for at least an hour to cave dwelling and living in his room and not at all in the rest of the house. My third doesn't know quite what to do with himself but the sweet guy comes and hugs me several times a day and tells me he loves me and my fourth is mr social one visiting with friends every spare moment he can. With my hubby working steady nights till 3 am... well you would think I would have more than enough time alone and wouldn't desire more... yet I do and don't.
I have friends who need me when they are in need and close their front door along with the screen otherwise. So I only have myself to discuss what is being internalized in me. I feel that strength... but I also feel some slip... which probably means I should loosen my grip up!
I just don't know what I want or what I can do with myself. My health is bombarding me so fiercely that I seriously fear the reprocussions that are on my horizon. I don't even talk to Robert about it. Today he said he notices how much worse I am getting but that was his only revelation. Honestly, what can he do or say... I don't know what I need from him or anyone right now. Oh dear! I am going to do what I haven't for months and months... ugh... salt tears that have refused have blinded my sight.... I hate that throat constiction and sting on cheek.
The tree hollow would not be such a grand plan would it? Everything would just follow me there within my head. My cracked heart would drum its same beat and my brain thump around in its space looking for an outlet. To be so strong and yet so weak at the same time. Such a contradiction ... such necessity!
If I let it out... if I actually spoke it... would the contradiction end?
Perhaps on a page not so known. Or should it be? I wish I didn't know the story myself. Why would anyone else want the read?

A hollow of a tree

that is where I could be

to sing my sad love song

in tears

In a hollow of a tree

my cracked heart drumming

rhythms so wildly free within

changing harmonies

From a hollow of a tree

I could find what I seek

curled up in contentment both

strong and yet weak

Hiding in a hollow of a tree

would anyone attempt to come find

this person no one knows yet in this

wild fortress grows

Love Lion~*WoodNymphPaw

To Feel It

I have seen a pattern ~ weaved and woven into intricate designs of emotional tuck and knot and fray. I have cloaked myself with it and seen others make their own mosaic of tapestry. Hung on windows, walls and spread across floors. Covering the blemishes that seep through the stains of the soul.

What makes a person hide in dark illusions? To carry dim candlelight when Sun is brilliant and Moon is full! To remain dormant when all around flowers blossom and trees sway in the wind.

Just like in ancient castles with dank lighting that brood dark corners and twisted passageways... So are we in our emotional bliss retreats. Others squint and feel somewhat uneasy not being quite sure what is hidden in the darkened edges... or even in the center portrait on the wall. We think we should be safe in our rigorous interior decorating... yet security is a feeling lost in our fortress of dressed over distresses.

I have found a real comfort in feeling. It hasn't mattered much what the emotion is... I just like what feeling has accomplished as I redecorate the housing of my soul. I used to repress to the point of depress or fireburst the inferno of conceived hurts. Instead of calmly taking each emotional strand and weave them through me till the vibrant picture stories before my own minds sight.

A dark foreboding castle is unnerving for anyone to advance up to; let alone enter. Yet one well lived in. Illuminated with many flaming candles dancing a warm glow. Same castle...two outlooks: One of emotional hostage like the prison Keep... One of haven of harmonious awareness.

I love feeling, understanding, accepting and reveling in the awareness of a completing that is tucking in what was once loose and frayed.

My castle form is hung with emotional tapestry revealing a portrait of dignified grace, wounds edged with compassion, highlights of refined gold and a wisdom of time soaked vibrance. I think some are still reluctant to visit. I however am reluctant no longer to take the full tour with a variety of emotional exhibits that compile someone I love, respect and understand.

Love Lady Lion~*TapestryPaw

Standing Strong

Well, I am still standing on my feet. Still have all the same old problems that follow me through each day from morning till night and then into my sleep. But something has changed. I know my own perspective has... But so much more than this. I feel empowered from the Almighty! I have such a deep silent calm that has rested within me for this past month plus now. It isn't me. It came to me. I felt it come and feel it stay and reside. Makes me stand strong. Makes me learn the discipline of wisdom, quietness and above all... What unconditional love and surrender mean.

I am just as unimpressed as always about the nonsense that flies around me... But I do not reach out to grab a hold of it. I let it fly on its merry way. I have no tolerance to invite it to visit me.

I am learning the fine delicate art of loving me and allow myself to love into wholeness. It truly is possible to hate the * sin* but not the sinner. Fact is in learning so... I actually find myself loving them more! Go figure! The silent calm that has come to reside... Has been teaching me this and better yet... Enabling me to do so.

At just the right time.

I was so worn down I could take no more... And so I did the only logical thing. I stopped taking *it*! Best thing I ever did do! :)

Now after months of being propped up and falling over... I am helping others be propped and find their own footing and strength to stand strong ... And all and only because of the comfort I have been so very Divinely given to comfort the ache that threatened me to shatter!

I love being Lion~*EmpoweredToBeStrongPaw this is no fleeting moment... This has been deeply cultivated and is nurtured continually for lasting growth. I might need a good drink on some of the withering days... But I am keeping on!

My gratitude is to the One who formed me and continues to form me into a woman of grace and dignity.

Corn on the Cob... I did a good job?

So it is harvest time. Was there any corn on the cob??? Did I do a good enough job??? I say I did! I can till, fertilize, plant, hoe, water and hope... and I did all this...

Well I lost about 1/3, of what remained upright and green only 1/3 grew cobs and of the cobs only 1/3 had any kernels of worth on them!

SO ~ I did the very best I could! I watered and watched. I ate! And now the stalks will go through the chipper shredder to provide mulch for next season!

Is my life still like that corn patch? In many ways yes! I see only a fraction of harvest from what I cultivate. What seems fruitless I can turn into composted hope ... and in turn it may provide much nutrition for the next season of growth!!!! There are still only so many things I can do... the rest is up to the will of Creator. I plant, but He instills the nature of the seed.
A seemingly lost crop can provide the sustainance needed for next years growing. So I will rest and wait for what is to come.

Corn... it has taught me to have faith, hope... and to wait in a deepening patience!

Lion~*Cobs&SilkGiveHopeAJoltPaw

Last night my corn fell over!

Last night my corn fell over! We had a humungeous thunder/lightning storm with high winds and pounding rain. And this morning when I ventured out at 5 am... I discovered my 8 rows of corn... laying flat on the ground. So I did what any good agriculturalists would do... I played mudpie. I attempted to haul that corn back up off the mud and pack it up firm so it could stand tall again. The sag and sway, the snapped off stalks... were enough to make me cry!

Each year I call my garden my own personal sanctuary. It is my place of solitude. Of close communication with my Lord. Of hearing my own soul speak in many tones from happy to deep deep sadness. Today I saw my life like this corn patch that was beat to the ground by wind and rain. You see I have planted a lot for my family . I have seeded them with my love and nurtured them with a great deal of hard work. I haven't asked for help - I took on upholding them one by one. Yet all the toil of heart and hand I've done is of no use when an unforeseen storm comes rumbling in and flattens it all to the ground. It can be picked back up ... what hasn't been broken right off... but never again will it look the same... and perhaps no corn will grow... even though the plant remains green. I can plant and hoe and pack dirt around and water and watch, but I cannot make a single kurnel grow.

My garden is not my own creation. I miss weeds and they shoot up tall waving in arrogance taunting me to come pluck them out. I make not one flower blossom or one berry to grow. I do nothing at all to make lilies waft a gorgeous scent upon an evening breeze. I have no glory in the crowns of broccoli that burst out from their nesting foliage. Yet I think I have done all this work... all this toil... all this growing.

I plant, water, pick... and that is it. I am not responsible for a bean being a bean or for the bucketfuls of chickweed that spread a thick carpet around tender young shoots. It all grows as it is supposed to ... because of what the seed contained.

My family is mine... and I can nurture and tend it with loving care... and still... it is not my doing what it becomes. I am only able to do that for myself. What each contains is what will be harvested. I am the servant tending this garden... I am not its Master. And I think I need a day off.

Love Lion~*NoGardenGlovesTodayPaw

And when I am weary...

I seek out the comfort of my gardens that wrap around my home and nestle my own little kingdom with comforts and delight! I love to get my hands and feet covered in dirt. It makes me feel like I have actually accomplished something. I love the peace my gardens give to both growling tummies and hungry soul eyes! My sanctuary of solitude and contentment. I dare say more has been planted in me out there than in the ground... I just take longer to blossom!
Love Lion~*KissAFlowerOnceAnHourPaw