Can nothing be done??? really!!! hmmmm

Well, it has been awhile... and I don't know that even now I have anything worth saying, sharing or being heard. It isn't that nothing has occurred... I have had quite a bit happen... like a deeper assurance and conviction to be faithful to Truth! Like a stronger commitment to do everything it takes to learn more about what love means and to live it well! Like discovering through the help of many medical practitioners just what a healthy wreck I truly am! ... I have seen 8 Doctors in the last 1 1/2 yrs. Have a couple more to go still. Though I have received some great validation and important information... ALL of them come to one final conclusion... there is really nothing any of them can do to help me. I have been pronounced to be a well balanced individual who has some very difficult ailments that are not going to get any better... and many that will indeed... get much worse as I age.

Knowledge is Power!!!! sigh... Yes, it is helpful to know all that I do about what is going on with me... but I also feel extremely powerless! I had hoped someone could do something! I have been avoiding it since seeing the last specialist 3 weeks ago... but I think I really need to mourn once again... the loss of what I haven't had for nearly my whole life... and medically speaking... never will know. This isn't the end of it... it is just the 're'beginning of realizing the harsh impact of my reality. I wondered why I kept getting worse when what I am told I have is not progressive... yet I am continuing down a slippery slope that someone cruelly greased so I can't climb back up!

DAMMMMMMM!!!!

Until January no one looked into what Dr's found when I was a teenager...those xrays told a story no one wanted to read in many lonnng years!!! and THIS is what has provided me with the ever worsening of body. I have been contained in a vessel defective from conception... and so now... when they all say, "There is nothing we can do for you at this time!"... well they never could... and never can.

All I can do is maintain a healthy life and keep myself moving as best I can. It is all I have done for YEARS so nothing new there ... I am going to have to adjust a few things though... I will do all I can to avoid being in the vast majority who end up with serious surgeries. That would displease me greatly.

I used to have a reoccurring dream... I would be running through different places and times of my past... always there were 2 lines of people on each side of me... some people unknown and some significantly recognized... some cheered me and others reached out to divert my attention, but I would never stop... I kept running. After dreaming it... OH!!! I wanted to run so much! I know the true significance of the dream was not to become a marathon jogger... but to spiritually keep my focus and run the race set before me called Life! I could have been sidetracked multiple times... I have been on occassion... but never for long! I haven't been able to really run since I was 13 ... but I tell you ... I do know a thing or two about Living Life Well! Truth be told... that though it is indeed disappointing to be told over and over that nothing can be done medically... my journey has taken a turn of deepening contentment these last 2 months alone... and that is what makes all the difference in this life of mine!

So I will do myself the favor of feeling my sadness and be comforted by my many joys!!!

Love Lion~*WeakYetStrongPaw

waking and sleeping

Somewhere in my life... I fell asleep. A very deep deep sleep that I cannot wake up from. In my dreams I must be a painter but my dreams are not the ones I would have painted. The characters are of my choosing, but the lines ... some of them are all wrong. They travel in spirals and quick elbows that I just would never draw. I take careful strokes and never mix up colors into an ugly mess. Yet in my dreams, the paintings start beautiful until someone splashes them with black muck. Never is there a gentle portrait with kindness on faces bright. Tears streak the paintings that were pretty. Nightmares make my teeth and fists clench. I startle, but keep dreaming on. I would like to be woken up now. To gather the canvas and put an iron to it. Splash it with thinner and begin anew. I keep shaking myself... but I cannot wake more than I am.

She had accepted the challenge ~ to know me

" Once, again, one of my Friday Friends helped me put my life back in perspective. She knew what was really bugging me, because I had given her permission- and she had accepted the challenge - to know me. So when I shared my lowest of lows with her, her response enlarged my capacity to accept myself. She took what was a moment of complete ugliness (I'm not good at anything) and turned it into one of healing laughter. " Dr Leslie Parrott ~ from her book ~ you matter more than you think... what a woman needs to know about the difference she makes.



"She knew what was really bugging me, because I had given her permission - and she had accepted the challenge - to know me. "

Three years ago I was led... yes led... to find some new wisdom in managing my life. All places I had attempted to go before, they were people who "thought" they knew me or just "couldn't" know me. Even those who think that they do... they often tell me their perception of who I am and even argue with me over just who I really am, what I feel, how I handle things and you know what.... it really does tick me off. I honestly am not interested anymore in what most people perceive or more appropriately - misperceive how my thoughts work out in my head and into actions or reactions. I have very rarely ever been understood. I have even let people think they were right about me... just to not have to debate the issue when the truth is... they really are not willing to listen to who I am because their own 'wisdom' expressed about me,was more important than me! Yes, this led to much aloneness in my life. I often wondered and still do if I ever wish to trust anyone enough to have this courage Leslie Parrott has... to give permission ~ to know me. But three years ago when I left my comfort zone... I found someone precious.

Maggie,a lay counsellor. The first time I met her, I knew something was very different about her. And I felt secure in talking to her. And something happened. I gave someone permission to "know me". Maggie asked me simple questions and sometimes in her office, but more often later alone, I found some very complex answers. The day after I saw her I began to write and the writings and poems that my soul has sung out have allowed me to know this woman that I am. Words came out of me no one has ever heard ... not even me! The unanswered Why? How? Who? When's??? They became known and still the process continues. I have truly enjoyed this getting to know me. By the simple questions that gently opened a closed door in my emotional soul.

I have not seen Maggie professionally for 2 1/2 yrs. We became such good friends that it was no longer possible, or wanted to continue in the lay counselling. We share back and forth the happenings of our lives and pray for one another in our concerns. Maggie is quite different from anyone else I have a face to face relationship with. She validates me and celebrates the authenticity of my life. She never tells me that I am "this or that". She still puts before me simple questions and I still find the complexities that really are quite simple within me!!! With Maggie, I feel ... respected, honored and I do feel known... she never tried to give her own perceptions... she listened and heard the truth. She is also the only one I've shared the most intimate of my writing with. And she celebrates what each word means in liberating my soul from its guarded fortress. Maggie is a gift I didn't know I would receive when I cried out in need... "Lord, help me!" He helped both of us with a gentle friendship blessed by His heart!

I didn't know those 3 years ago how much I needed to know myself on a different level. The depths I have delved into... I am truly speechless... meeting the very heart and core of myself in such raw honesty... with no fear, only a need to know and find answers. God knew what I needed to know. His love for me is astounding and He wanted me to feel it and know who I am and fall in love. So now... I have finally come to realize that what others misperceive about me... speaks about themselves. And it doesn't matter how many people don't understand or know me. I am indeed known and I know myself. This is an assurance I gladly cling to and cherish.

I found these lines from an online conversation I kept :

betsy: what is God saying to you, Lion~*?
betsy: help others
betsy: use YOUR gifts?
Lion~*: Actually Betsy ---- God is saying " Take the time to hear who is within you - she needs your love and acceptance more than you have realized! Listen well and then go on and just be....

Seems rather prophetic now to read that ... it was from Feb2004

Love Lion~*JustBeJustMePaw

"People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering."St. Augustine, 354 430Early Christian Priest, Author

Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.

Anne Lindbergh

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."~ Rumi.

Jalai ed-Din Rumi

( Beloved Persian Poet )

That which God said to the rose,

and caused it to laugh in full-blown beauty,

He said to my heart

,and made it a hundred times more beautiful.

And the days go bye...

One day, two day, dusty new day.


I've had just a very few say to me, "Happy New Year!!!" I have felt a mix of what to say in return. The old year had very little happy and though I hope this new one will be different... I am extremely cautiously optimistic!
I did have some great things happen personally. The deepening understanding I have of myself from this past year... this is a great thing! I feel more resiliant... even though I had many crushing days. Much to my dismay and calm assurance... my heart that has been shattered on many occassion... it continues to beat strongly!!! What a surprise this has been for me! I have longed for years for someone to understand me and God has shown me myself with a depth of understanding I truly needed. " Love others as I have loved you" " Love others as yourself". I believe this was a great hinderance in my life... Not understanding the magnificence of God's love bestowed on me... and not understanding my own self and loving who I am... I accepted others frills and failures far easier than my own... yet how could I really love without being loved, knowing love, respecting myself in all areas of my soul as God does, so I could indeed feel the same for others. I am a student in this love affair of God, me and all of the *you*.
I know at the start of this new year what I don't want. I know some of what I do hope for, but I have no idea what will be. The days that have gone "Bye"... I gladly let them go! The wisdom I hold, while sorrows I am attempting to let go. For this past year, though gathering together my soul... has also scattered it before me to be tred upon... and it has not been an easy walk.
I don't know if I even make sense in this jumble of tumbling thought... Truth is... I feel anxious and on the verge of spilling a torent of tears and also a resiliant hope that boggles my mind and often teases me with its perky presence and inability to quit! :) ... happy new year... HAPPY NEW YEAR... sigh!!!

There is going to be some happy, sad, angry, glad, hysterical, miracle, confusion and the ever present calm assurance that follows me everywhere! What will be... will be for nothing can stop what is... But may I choose wisely what I will be, do, act and react... may the calm assurance I have been given birth my spirit from the cocoon it has been protected within and aid me in the mission of my life's purpose and fulfillment.

Tonight... I feel the intensity to weep and sleep for this new year needs a cleansing from the old...

Love and Hope ... these are mine!
Lion~*SteppingUpToTheEntranceOfMySoulSoThePastCanBeLetGoPaw

Risk and Result

Celestials

I look up into the winter night sky
To see if the same star is seen that you look upon
But clouds have covered the celestials from me
Perhaps the mists have done the same where you stand?
So I send out my thoughts on the current of air passing over me
And hope that they journey to be breathed in by you

December14 2006
Lion~*Paw

Today a good friend of mine said this to me:

"Rejection, I think, is a result of expectation. Perhaps it's a risk and result of caring because we (at least I) can't and don't want to guard my heart so that I have NO hope of returned affection, appreciation, contact, support from others in my life."

I have poured out my heart for my friends. Listened for hours. Given them the grace to be who they are. Accepted their differences and rejoiced in the unique characters that have surrounded me. I have given what knowledge and wisdom I have been given myself. There can be such a richness in sharing ones life and caring with an open heart of kind love.

Rejection, who would want to reject such a bounty of support, gentle understanding, respect and affirmation of worthiness? Yet I have found this my gift many misfortunate times. I've not done a very good job of guarding my heart. Truth be told, each time, I didn't know I had need of a centurion at its gateway! Risk and result... win some, lose some, broken and bruised some, kept in heart to some as well. All in all, my heart remains open... even to those who've turned away... for they gave me something I needed to know to become this woman that I myself love to know! Whether I am remembered or forgotten in rot... I recall them and still wish it were different, but perhaps they could not risk their armour be put down and the result has fortified their loneliness even more than mine?

So I think of them who once called me 'best' 'most valued' 'forever my friend' and I will uphold them in this heart of mine... until my days end.

Love Lion~*LoveAndHopePaw

Yesterday

Yesterday, I cut off 10 inches of my hair to donate to the cancer society for a wig! Did it in honor of my dear friend Rhian . She had breast cancer and couldn't find a wig that suited her. We shopped online together to see if we could find something "her". I was appalled to see that real hair wigs are way over $1000. Something she couldn't possibly afford when so sick and unable to work. She died with her lovely "baby hedgehog hair" as she called it. She was gorgeous inside and out! I told her... I could grow my hair out and donate for a wig for cancer patients! I kept my word. I grew my hair out for over 2 1/2 years. She has been gone 21 months :( Yet so present in my heart's embrace.

While I sat there getting my hair done I also had remembrance of other dear family and friends cancer took in the last 5 years~ Donna, Grandma,Anne,Doris,Gudrun,Tamara. Those who fought and are survivors~ Mom, Sabi, Wendy,Shelagh,Karin. Ones who fight now~ Margaret, Dave, Betty.

Don't forget to do good and to share what you have with those in need, for such sacrifices are very pleasing to God. Hebrews 13:16

I can give my ears to listen, my arms to embrace, my heart to envelope each with love and my words to encourage and bring laughter... and now for some precious child who is in need... I can give a few inches of hair to make them smile their beautiful smile and not be a "cancer patient" but a gorgeous child ... with a new lion~*mane to sport in their courageous journey!Truly is an extremely emotional experience... both the growing my hair so long and thinking of Rhian with such pride for the phenomenal woman she was every morning while brushing it out... and for the knowing that a few snippits of hair will make all the difference to another when they have hair to brush!

The long and the short of it... I feel so blessed... to give this gift... and having received such blessings from all those I mentioned.

Love Lion~*BlessedBySoulsThatRestPaw

Hollow of a Tree

I am in a strange space right now. I could crawl into the hollow of a tree, cover the doorway with a pile of leaves and hide away for as long as I need... I can already be as invisible to most of the world as I want to be... not many ever come looking for me. But I would still like the choice every now and again to hide... maybe for someone to want to come find me... maybe just so I can find that little something that keeps calling me to myself.
I am finding this a very lonely stretch in my life. Guess that is why I would like a "get away". My oldest son has moved out, my second went from talking to me everyday for at least an hour to cave dwelling and living in his room and not at all in the rest of the house. My third doesn't know quite what to do with himself but the sweet guy comes and hugs me several times a day and tells me he loves me and my fourth is mr social one visiting with friends every spare moment he can. With my hubby working steady nights till 3 am... well you would think I would have more than enough time alone and wouldn't desire more... yet I do and don't.
I have friends who need me when they are in need and close their front door along with the screen otherwise. So I only have myself to discuss what is being internalized in me. I feel that strength... but I also feel some slip... which probably means I should loosen my grip up!
I just don't know what I want or what I can do with myself. My health is bombarding me so fiercely that I seriously fear the reprocussions that are on my horizon. I don't even talk to Robert about it. Today he said he notices how much worse I am getting but that was his only revelation. Honestly, what can he do or say... I don't know what I need from him or anyone right now. Oh dear! I am going to do what I haven't for months and months... ugh... salt tears that have refused have blinded my sight.... I hate that throat constiction and sting on cheek.
The tree hollow would not be such a grand plan would it? Everything would just follow me there within my head. My cracked heart would drum its same beat and my brain thump around in its space looking for an outlet. To be so strong and yet so weak at the same time. Such a contradiction ... such necessity!
If I let it out... if I actually spoke it... would the contradiction end?
Perhaps on a page not so known. Or should it be? I wish I didn't know the story myself. Why would anyone else want the read?

A hollow of a tree

that is where I could be

to sing my sad love song

in tears

In a hollow of a tree

my cracked heart drumming

rhythms so wildly free within

changing harmonies

From a hollow of a tree

I could find what I seek

curled up in contentment both

strong and yet weak

Hiding in a hollow of a tree

would anyone attempt to come find

this person no one knows yet in this

wild fortress grows

Love Lion~*WoodNymphPaw